From what I’ve been hearing from friends and acquaintances lately, I’d say this little gem about sums up what they’ve been feeling.
It’s most often attributed to Anthony Burgess, author of “A Clockwork Orange.” But actually, it comes from his 1963 novel “Inside Mr. Enderby.” A barmaid apparently decorated her little bar with maxims like this.
And it’s very apropos to today’s column, which is an update of my 2015 column, ‘Until separate beds do us part?’
Why do an update? Because lovers, spouses and friends with benefits “... are (still) losing sleep. They are (still) waking each other up, and there is this resentment that begins to build in a relationship. If you don't address that, obviously your relationship is going to suffer, your work suffers. It's this cascade,” says Jill Lankler, a New York clinical psychologist and life coach.
This resentment can lead to remarks like, “I really enjoy the sound of my husband snoring said no woman ever.” Or “I suffer from a sleep condition. It’s called ‘my wife sounds like a snoring zombie’ when she sleeps.” Or “Why is it that the one who snores always goes to sleep first?”
But it’s not just snoring that can drive couples who share a bed crazy. There’s also body heat, restless legs, different work schedules, different sleep patterns, insomnia, or a need for personal space. And I’m sure you could add to the list.
Here’s the bottom line, though, as Dr. Mehmet Oz warns, "If you're not taking care of your sleep, you are hurting your marriage.”
So, what’s the solution? Based on what I’ve learned lately, there are a number of solutions. For snoring you can benefit from mouth and throat exercises. There’re also face exercises. And pronouncing vowel sounds. Singing can help because it activates multiple muscles in the mouth and throat and involves pronouncing diverse sounds. Go to www.sleepfoundation.org for more information.
The Internet provides information on all kinds of products to help with snoring and sleep apnea if you care to look at those possibilities.
Another possible solution says www.today.com is a ‘sleep divorce’.
Whoa. Sounds pretty drastic — and scary — doesn’t it? All it means is the couple opts to sleep in separate beds or bedrooms, depending on the issues one or both are dealing with.
In fact, a National Sleep Foundation survey found almost one in four American couples have opted to sleep in separate beds, or bedrooms.
So, how to take the next step, which is broaching the subject with your partner.
Tamara Green, a New York couples’ therapist told TODAY, to “start with letting your partner know why you love and appreciate him (or her). Use the words ‘we’ and ‘us’ instead of ‘you.’ Use phrases like, “This may work for both of us.” Make time to be together before retiring. Touch each other throughout the day. And above all, express appreciation.
When my husband thought he was waking me up too often, he said one morning, “Luv, it’s bothering me that I keep waking you up every time I get out of bed. So, I’ll sleep in the other bedroom.” It was traumatic for us both the first few nights, but it helped us both and we still love each other!
And what about intimacy? Carve out time for it, as well as a date night!
Take it from me, this new arrangement will bring about less debilitating resentment and more fortifying rest and happiness.
Until next time ... keep thinking the good thoughts.
© 2021 Rona Barrett
Rona Barrett's Gray Matters™also appears in the Santa Maria Times, The Lompoc Record and Santa Ynez Valley News.